Where has the year gone? Where has all our time gone, the birthdays, the bad days and good days? Time seemingly running past us at blistering speeds just slipping by our radar as we blink past another year. Time has flown by… or has it? It is easy to sit back into our armchairs of hind site and start to glare at this past year with a general contempt. The bumps and bruises left so diligently by life's hardships seem to show their ugly little heads predominantly as the year ends. As we hug our loved ones (or not), sip our champagne, eat our grapes and celebrate the count down of the clock, how easy is it to sit with our losses and count our scars?
I am not one to try and differentiate myself here. I too get into the trenches of my mind and yet I can sit here and tell you that New Years is probably my absolute favorite time of year. I wont tell you the end of the year is some esoteric ride of unicorn farts and shooting stars for me, on the contrary, it is often riddled with isolated introspection, self questioning and loathing, and too many times of pushing the envelope on outside factors to crush the last years of my life into dust. And yet, here we are aren’t we. You and me and whoever else the fuck decides to pick up this article today and sit by the fire place of this darkened living room as we ask, what has this year given us? What does this very moment offer us?
This year has been a difficult one. I wont lie, not this time any way, and tell you I enjoyed most of this year. I experienced betrayal, hardships, loss, and downward spirals just like you. I lost myself a few times this year and for split seconds in time, that felt like an eternity, I lost sight of what was important and where I stood in this world. I made bad decisions, bad investments, wasted far too much money on booze and woke up too many nights with blood seared nostrils on top of a swollen liver. As I stand here on my soap box and point the fingers, I can also count the amount of people I have let down, the distances I have created, the hearts I have broken, the expectations I have shattered and connections I may have ended prematurely. I sit here and add marbles into my emotional jar of feelings but I also have spilled the beans on my jar of “giving a fuck” which leads us all down a very self destructive road, doesn’t it? I mean sit back, give it some time and let the fire warm you hands a little. Let that ice cold observation of the year slip away for a brief moment and think thoroughly on how many times you fucked this year over?
If 2019 was a good friend, a spouse, a loved one or lifting mate could you say you were always there for them? To pick them up, dust them off, ask about their day and offer a foot rub? Did you load 2019’s bar as she prepped for a PR or did you waste days upon days of her time wallowing in your own success or depression? Did you attack her when she was down or did you stand her up when she needed your focus and ambition? Was your tenacity for life cyclical and consistent upon the hours of her day or did they slip away on the flower of a smooth blunt or that Netflix binge you just had to repeat… again?
I am not saying to sit here and wallow on the miss opportunities and downfalls of the year, instead, I am asking you to perceive the end of this year and the coming of a new one as an opportunity to continue your fight forward. Not every year is the same as in all relationships and correlations in life. There is an ebb and flow to each and every one that is unique in itself providing you with a deep perspective in not only how to improve but how to sit with ones follies one more time.
Surely tomorrow is not promised, so we can agree that neither is next year. We can accept this sobering mentality that “Everything Ends” and call it quits on the door steps of a true epiphany or we can use this as a stepping stone into the depth of self exploration and mastery. Take this into great consideration as you adjust your gaze into the fire and watch the ambers dance endlessly with one another. Think back on this year and apologize to her, not for breaking her heart or being angry with her, but instead, for not thanking her for giving you the opportunity to deal with hardships for one more year of life. To have 365 attempts to pick up the broken pieces that is your soul, to mend shattered bone and eviscerated sinew day in and day out as life continues to throw avalanches of obstacles your way and yet we smile for one more day and cry out MORE WEIGHT! Applaud this end of year and harsh reality of losing a loved one, of missing out on hugging them one last time and telling them I love you as tears sear across your very BONES in fiery agony… because you are fortunate enough to still be here to speak their name and make others love them as much you loved them…just one more fucking time.
One more day across the universe and one more day to march into your dreams as the storm of 2020 knocks on your door steps without hesitation or obligation to stop and yet, we will greet it with a smile wont we? I will welcome this upcoming year has I hope I did the last one, with a warm gesture of hello and oblige her to sit next to the fire with us. I will prepare my armor, my soul and my spirit as the clock marches forward and allows this welcomed friend to become one more challenge in my life. One more chance to dance amongst the gods of opportunity and prowess..
One more battle field to claw out of the trenches with my teeth if I have to…
One more chance to welcome new friends firmly and say goodbye to old ones with an embrace for the ages…
One more stone to shatter my heart into a million pieces to give me the opportunity to rebuild her a new… piece by piece… stone by stone..
And for this I am grateful beyond measure… and for this I am whole
Happy New Year
Never Stray from The Way